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Tuesday, June 4th, 2013
7:41 pm - Briefly - and more goodbyes.
So that was "interesting". I said goodbye (and fuck you) to a near 15 year friendship today, largely because it was inescapable that the person I was dealing with was talking to me like I was a not-particularly bright pet, and as my friendship had began with him out of pity (he pitied me), it is even more likely that this was the case all along, and it's only now that I see/experience the scope of it.

Why is this a reoccurring pattern in my life? This is a question I really need to suss out, and with a quickness.

Read more...Collapse )

In other worlds, I got all As and Bs, Ma. My performance review went very well, which was a not-entirely unexpected relief and I've got some small homework and some research/planning ahead.

I am so behind on the sewing project I despair. And I've misplaced my thumb drive, with all my stuff on it that is pretty damn vital I find it.

Too much. Just too much.

Off to acquire "soft paws" to glue to the cat so she stops destroying the couch.

current mood: indescribable

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Monday, June 3rd, 2013
3:35 pm - Considering going "Friend's only" for this journal. EDITED
I think the dog and pony show needs to pack up and move, hey? If you watch this space and wish to continue to do so - let me know. If you are not currently a friend of mine, or able to see these posts, you might want to consider when the last time it was that you talked to me, or how close we are now.

Sleeping on it, will make a final decision tomorrow.

EDITED: My apologies - the lurking comment was intended to be a slap at my family, some of whom read this journal. I had not intended a poll to see who would comment, but rather I wanted to request that if I've not friended you back and you still want to read this (as in the case with tooth_and_claw who I'd not realized was my friend A - then I can add you and all's well.

For some of you, who've been reading in what seems like forever, I'm sorry - I had no plans to unfriend you or similar silliness. The journal is now set to Friends-only.

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3:28 pm - Housecleaning.
If this is still on your feed, ect. Paring down the lurkers. Really tired of people who gawk but offer nothing in return.

Moving on.

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Friday, May 31st, 2013
7:09 pm - Angry dreams at my former husband, and the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
This is long, so behind the jumpCollapse )

Shit I'm tired.

Things I wish would happen? My dead cat would come back to life. That would be awesome. I told her that it was always great to see her in dreams, but also sad, because she had no substance and I couldn't really hold her. Poor cat. Poor H.

All of that above aside - I sort of kicked ass at my job this week, I have a performance review (NOT tied to raises - which we still don't know if we're getting) next week and I am taking Monday off because it is Michael's Birthday. Also, it is Bad Wolf Day - so write "BAD WOLF" somewhere and freak out some mundies.

current mood: angry

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Wednesday, May 29th, 2013
6:53 pm - Reblogging some political ranty-rant and a memo to myself for later writing.
So on Ye olde FB today I said this: Read more...Collapse )

And truer words were never spake by me.

The thing I need to touch on next time, Oh Giant Empty Dark Room - is this notion that my personal sexuality is some how dangerous. I've had at least 3 partners in the past be utterly freaked out by the fact that I wanted to have sex, was vocal about it and enjoyed the hell out of it. One of them even went so far as to tell me that sex with me was "stressful" and that was the majority of the reason I got for us just not having it any more.

This, given that when I want to have sex I usually say "Hey, you want to have sex? Because that sounds awesome right now." And when given a negative I might be disappointed, but I don't ask again. (I have, on one or two occasions, been known to pout.) No pressure, no cajoling, no drama. At least - I thought there was no drama.

One guy was offended that he got boners when I was around, and this made him somehow "out of control", and I think at least one other guy (we're going back almost 20 years here - I'm hazy on the details) was just really weirded out that I would initiate sex. Because that was somehow Not Done, and it unmanned him.

DUDES. What the hell is your problem with boners, women who want you, and awesome naked fun time?

More on this later.

current mood: busy

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Monday, May 20th, 2013
6:36 pm - So that happened.
Weekend of Not Getting Anything Done + hair cut + 3D Star Trek, "Into Darkness". Which wasn't as dark as I was anticipating, but was a pretty good film.

Sportin' the proto-hawk and I'm not so sure I will maintain it. Forgot that the shape of my skull works better with things that go across it - like tiaras - and not things that go vertically down the back of it - like a mowhawk. I will say that I do dig how my hair looks at a quarter inch - all the grey comes out. In any case: probably won't shave it off again anytime soon. No idea what I want to do with it next. If I weren't dirt poor, I might revisit the idea of dreadlocks. But the badger experience lead me to believe that if I'm going to start that shit again, I'd best have professorial help. So more than likely I'll look weird until I grow it out and then it's back to borrowing Neil Gaiman's hairstyle.

Still switch-hitting the sleep schedule and it will end me. We can't stop talking.

Home for me. Need to get my butt in gear with the sewing.

Oh - about that: repaired machine is not, and the White Rotary blew up. I've not been able to get it fixed, but a friend of mine at work loaned me her very shiny new machine that has barely been out of it's box. So tonight, I need to put together a muslin mock and fit the Mr. Perry. Bonus points: finding my damn sewing scissors that have gone AWOL.

Next week: would be flying dandy if I could have the actual fabric, lining and interfacing cut out and some kind of plan of action. I already know the finishing details are going to be TRICKY...best get to pinning.

No follow up about the family crap. Did connect the idea (finally) that basically what my sister was/is doing is slut-shaming. Because I'd had different sexual experiences from her, so naturally, I "deserved" to be raped. I was "bad." So that was a moment of "Oh, right. That crap." Named it, cataloged it, dismissed it. Am happily putting down any ideas that her misogyny might me my problem.

Whee!

current mood: tired

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Friday, May 17th, 2013
1:40 pm - The letter I spent almost 5 days writing.
So one of my sisters contacts me about a thing this week. It's a request about our parent's impending 50th anniversary and she wants something from all of us. (notice I am not giving away the surprise, as I believe my father still lurks around this journal sometimes. The bastard.) I am on the list of siblings emailed. And I spent the rest of this week chewing over my response. I finally sent it to her just now.

See - I'm furious over my family's treatment of me. And I have confronted them, granted, not as bluntly as I've confronted her in this email - but it's done no good in the past. So this time, I chose to try to state my feelings clearly and in the most business-like manner possible. I even asked a good friend at work to do a snark check.

So, it's fraught with emotionalism, but I think it conveys what I wanted it to do. Here it is, under the cut:

a replyCollapse )


EDIT: her response: "I understand that you do not want to participate in the project. Thanks for responding."

And that's it. COWARD.

And that's that. I'm proud of it, I think. It was not an easy thing to write, but I'm glad to have done so.

I don't expect a reply, or any positive change on her behalf because of it. I full expect it to be dragged around the family, and exclaimed over and used as further "evidence" at how awful I am, or how overly dramatic, or how much my feelings/needs and general person-hood mean nothing. And then they will all decide I'm crazy, pat themselves on the back that they don't talk to me either, and go about their ways. Like they do.

In other news: I am full of bacon, and have achieved a euphoric state thereby. It is my new drug.

current mood: Bacon

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Friday, May 10th, 2013
3:55 pm - In honor of today.
This week has not been an easy or a happy one. Case in point - yesterday I'm rummaging through boxes and I find a thing. It takes me about 3 minutes to identify it: a moth-eaten hank of yarn that I'd spun from my George Kitty's fur. Today is the 15 month anniversary of her death.

So there I am, sitting on the floor with this ruined bit of fluff that the FUCKING MOTHS have destroyed (YET another thing they've destroyed; I've all but confirmed the lost of ALL OF MY HANDSPUN YARN. ALL OF IT, REPRESENTING COUNTLESS HOURS OF WORK DESTROYED) and I am so overwrought about it I can't speak. I'm crying, and I finally hold it out to Michael, who takes it from me and just waits. Eventually, I am able to get out what it is and he slides off the couch and comes over to me on all fours, to head-bumpy me like the cat and then fold me up into a hug. Which is just about the most perfect response he could have done - taking a cue from me to offer wordless comfort rather than make me try to verbalize what I was feeling.

Eventually, things got better. And we shared some good and funny stories of George, and one, he had not heard and told me I should write up and post today in honor of The George. So - here you are: The one time I gave my cat an ice cream headache.Collapse )

current mood: melancholy

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Monday, May 6th, 2013
8:44 pm - Things!
So Things Are, in a Vage-book kind of way that I'm not going to detail here, kind of perilous right now. Only not. Only kind of yes, and for some reason we're both totally ok with it - baring the times when we're not.

Which is, I suppose, to say that this is A Life, and sometimes crap does not work they way you're told at 5 it should - and that is neither a bad nor a good thing. It just *is*.

That being said - the weekend was lovely!

I slept in until Very Late both days, and Saturday, Michael-Me-Darling did yoga with me. It was his first time, so I took him through a really basic Sun Salutation. First I got a book and showed him the flow of poses, talking through each one. Then we went out on the porch and did it side-by-side. The first round was slow, because I was talking and correcting his posture as I could. The second one was faster. He did great! And I discovered how much I've missed having someone work out with me. I get to share something I love with someone I love - and we're doing it in the same way, at the same time, and *it's working*.

No offense to Dennis, but I could never figure out how to work out with him - or he with me. In hindsight, I guess I should have paid more attention to that. Ah well. He's pursuing his own journey quite successfully, I hear, and I'm glad for him.

With Michael, this bodes well for teaching him ATS, later on. I CAN'T WAIT! With the yoga - it rained Sunday, so we couldn't do it again, but I'm trying to work back up to a daily practice, and it's my hope that he'll come with me. I also want to get him in a class, so he can learn this properly. But for now, my very basic practice will be an introduction.

For the rest of the weekend we ran around like crazy on Saturday, and then lazed around like cats on Sunday. Dark Side was out of town being awesome, so I didn't have rehearsal, even. It was lovely. We got rid of stuff that Ghetto Santa brought, and I found some nice clothes for work at Goodwill/the recycling center. Can't beat 3 new outfits for like 10 bucks.

Still without a working sewing machine I can access. That shit needs to change post-haste; I've got costumes to build here.

current mood: Delighted

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Friday, May 3rd, 2013
11:03 am - Twilight Zone Friday.
Why is it, that now my latest Finical Plan is quickly falling to ashes, that I am looking at houses for sale online?

This makes no sense, and surely must be a by product of slightly less than 4 hours of sleep.

Though if anyone were inclined, I surely could use a huge pile of cash. My weight in gold, perhaps?

And here I am, straight out of magic fish.

Feh.

current mood: quixotic

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Thursday, May 2nd, 2013
11:16 am - Backward.
So last night I had some time to kill, and I spent a bit of it taking a look at this here LJ, and seeing what I could see re: stuff I've posted that's tagged. Granted - I didn't start tagging until very late in the process and I'm inconsistent as all hell, so it's very slap-dash.

But it's a weird feeling, reading back over some things during just the last 3 years. I've wasted more time than I can account for with "what will people think," and in some ways trying to get approval from "people" for what I do or what I think. This is wired in from childhood and I've been trying to burn it out of the system for some time now. My parents raised all their children with this, and it's crippled us. I've no way of knowing if any of them have managed to buck the programing; at last contact none of them had. It's sad.

In making the decision to pursue what *I* wanted, and the life that suited me, I flew in the face of what quite a lot of people thought was "right" or "good". I did it without the intent to be the "rebel with out a clue", and at this point I'm pretty pleased with how things have turned out. Progress is a good thing.

Strange days, strange times, strange H.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, May 1st, 2013
7:32 pm - Goodbye, Month of Apirl. You were kind of an ass.
WHY is the month of April usually kind of awful? I mean - wedding anniversary is awesome, but everything else really kind of blew. I'm glad that's done with.

SO: BELTAINE.

Missed any sort of dawn May activities, due to being asleep and dreaming about the Terrifying Nightmare Capybara, who would visit bad children that were supposed to be asleep and drive them insane. If you were awake you'd see it, and then go crazy. Naturally I was being stalked by one, and I kept trying not to see it or make eye contact because: Insanity. Later it caught up with me but I pretended to be asleep, and I could see it through my closed eyes. I figured that this must be the fail-safe, for the good children who are asleep and accidentally get woken up by the Terrible Nightmare Capybara. Don't want to drive the good children crazy, after all.

"What's a Capybara," you ask? Not having a picture handy I described it to Mr. Perry as what you get when you cross a guinea pig with a rabbit, only with more disapproval. And giant. La:Read more...Collapse ) Only in my dream, it could also climb walls.

*ahem*

Instead of everything that is happening now, I dearly wish I was outside, naked and possibly drunk, having a very nice revel with Mr. Perry. Poo.

current mood: tired

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Thursday, April 25th, 2013
4:16 pm - Further into the darkness of me.
Not to be overly melodramatic - I mean this in the classic labyrinthine sense - the darkness that eventually leads to self-understanding. One hopes.

I don't think I'm a "real" dancer. Oh, I dance, and I'm passing good at it. But I'm not consumed with dance, nor am I always focused on dance. To own the truth - I'm not even mostly consumed with it. I don't watch videos. I don't fangirl much (though I've been known to fangirl meddevi - mainly that's because she does do something I'm consumed with: she tells stories.)

So - more and more I'm trying to notice where I spend my time and energy. It's not on dance. I don't do much home practice: I never really did. I don't seek out new stuff - I like to take workshops, and I like to be in a troupe - but I've never had the Guiding Vision, nor the Burning Desire to lead. I like collaborative work because everyone shares in that voice....but I don't have so much to say that I want to focus everyone else. I don't really spend a lot of time on it, not even when I was teaching.

And this is ok.

It doesn't make me a "bad" dancer, it doesn't make me a "bad" performer. It's just a thing that is, that I've noticed. Now for years (read: my entire dance career to date) I've struggled with this. I've been jealous of my dance sisters, I've felt always-behind and never-as-good as I perceived them to be. To hear a sister causally talk about joining a very famous troupe - or to hear that another decided to turn down a similar invitation STILL brings twinges of "WHY NOT ME???? WHY AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH TOO?????"

Because I'm not that kind of dancer, that's why. It shows in my focus - and in theirs. Years ago I made a HUGE production of announcing (rather ponderously) on LJ that I was going to Be A Professional Dancer. Whatever that meant. Now, it's something I'm putting down. Not the dance as a whole, no. But the notion that I am going to make this my life's blood. It's not. And that's ok.

I do a lot of things, and I do a lot of them passing well. I am very keen on a few things, and maybe, if I'd had more focus or more desire or more confidence in myself, I would have come to the point that I was creating masterwork. I'm not. After nearly two decades as a dancer, I'm here. My sisters? Four times as far in half the time. As it should be: hard work tells. Granted - I'm not dead yet, and there may be a master's work in me. But I don't think it will be a dancer's masterwork. And it might also be that I *don't* have a master's work in me at all: not everyone does.

And that's probably ok, too. Maybe. I've not quite made peace with that, yet.

From the Department of "It Goes Without Saying" - I culled out many people from my friend's list. Mostly people I don't talk to anymore, or who I don't know. It's kind of refreshing. I should maybe do the same thing on FB.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, April 24th, 2013
10:52 am - Guh.
*Forgot to drink all the Demon rum last night. I am a terrible alcoholic. I get all determined to drink to ease my stress, forget my cares and/or have an excuse to behave poorly, and then I up and forget to.

*Worked with Mr. Perry to create some cheesy-ass DVD covers for his Sammy Terry burns.

*Watched more Space:1999.

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Tuesday, April 23rd, 2013
2:07 pm - Just don't.
*Stress level is through the bloody roof today.
*Not enough sleep.
*Too much/too little.

whatisitidon'teven.

current mood: stressed

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Monday, April 22nd, 2013
11:07 am - 1 year.
So Saturday was Michael and my first year anniversary. Read more...Collapse )

Sunday I made us a great bacon-egg-and-toast breakfast, and we lazed around until he had to go to work, and I had to go to rehearsal. He works tonight, too - seems like he's got an "on 3, off 3" schedule. So, still don't have an entire day off together yet, but this schedule suits him more than the other - on 6, off one. He's still getting some morning hours, but not too many, and not too often. Maybe one morning a week, instead of 6. Now his only worry is getting time off for Incon, but he's put it on the work schedule already.

Last night I realized that my mother pretty much cosplayed Barbara Bain from Space:1999 through most of my childhood. She sported the semi-fliped bob that Bain has, and she tried for that low-voiced delivery, too. I'm only on about episode 5 or 6 of the series (Michael has a boxed set) but I'm hoping Bain will break out of the wooden acting sometime soon. And since Martian Landau is her IRL hubby - most of the stories are featuring her. It's kind of painful at the moment.

Nearly every single shot of her, ever (so far):


So - I'm amused. If I were actually talking to her, it's something I might have asked her about/lightly teased her about. It's not a bad look - rather classic, if a little monochrome. My mother would mix in color most of the time.

And back to work.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, April 17th, 2013
3:13 pm - Round up.
1) Frustrating week is frustrating.

2) Accidental poisoning by accidental overdose of over-the-counter meds for headache = out of work for a day and a half.

3) Feel surrounded by Special Snowflakes, who require hand-holding, special treatment and get their ego bruised if I look at them cross-eyed, or require them to actually read the damn directions.

4) Feel really, really frustrated that I seem to always be required to carefully phrase what I am talking about, but others just talk and don't seem to give a fig how their statements affect me. Hypocritical.

5) I can not WAIT for this week to be over.

6) Saturday is my first year anniversary with Michael. He has to work all weekend.

I guess it is what it is.

current mood: frustrated

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Wednesday, April 10th, 2013
11:39 am
There is no time.

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Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013
1:06 pm - On we go.
So several friends made some good points and this isn't totally boring for me or people, so on we go. Thank you for the feedback!

I guess, if I wanted commentary and conversation, I should start a blog for that and actually have opinions. This journal is and pretty much always has been for self-reflection.

In other news, I had a smoothie fail yesterday and will have to eat the rest of it tomorrow. 3 pears, two very small blood oranges, half a container of chopped frozen spinach, honey and some vanilla = texture somewhere between sandpaper and raw potato that kind of makes me want to throw up. It *tastes* good, and my body needs it, but I'm having texture issues. I ate the first half this morning with a spoon and tried to pretend it was pudding of some sort.

If I am going to continue writing here, I think I will try to give some space to unpacking my head a bit more. The short sound-bytes aren't too helpful, and I need some space to dissect stuff that bothers me. Still.

current mood: calm

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Monday, April 1st, 2013
11:20 am - Foo.
$Collapse )

And while this does still keep me in the habit of writing at least a wee bit every day, I'm wondering if it's worth keeping up. If people do read it, it's not like anything I write is sparking any conversations. There are some that lurk and don't comment that don't need to be seeing this much of my life anymore, also. I've been keeping this journal for almost 10 years. I don't have a back up; which sucks. I've sorted out a lot of stuff here, done a lot of navel gazing. Might be time to move on.

current mood: mellow

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